Morgan (freedomsring) wrote,

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Another funeral is in the works

My grandmother is in the hospital, at hospice. She's been there since Thursday. She'll be dead by tomorrow or the next day. She just has had enough with the horrible quality of life she's been living for the past 17 months and wants to die. After hearing about how my other grandmother died last week, she said she wished it was her.

We all visited her on Friday for about 6-7 hours. She went delirious. She obviously can't talk because of the trake tube, but she was mouthing the words "I hate you" to every member of my family. She was scared of everyone, she was seeing things on the walls, she was pointing to stuff on the ceiling that wasn't there. She was staring off and not focusing on anything.

She had to be restrained in her bed, since she grabbed my uncle's arm, almost drew blood and it took 3 nurses to get her off him. We tried talking normally to her to see if she would respond and she practically tried lunging at me, burst out crying and mouthed to me "What happened to you? What happened to you?"

When she came back to being herself, she had me called to her bedside and I sat and held and rubbed her hand, stroked her hair and dried her tears as she told me over and over how much she loved me. Right now, I think she's heavily sedated and not knowing what's going on. I think they're inducing a semi-comatose state like they did with my other grandmother.

There's a lot of other stuff going on, like family politics and stuff. And the fact that both my parents are in mourning but my dad has had no time to think about his mom, and they're both turning to me to be their rock of support. And I can't handle it all cause of my schedule and my own emotions.

Eric and I went to a nice dinner in Little Italy last night and had some wine and I sat there and talked to him about everything that came to my head that I needed to vent. It was when the check came that I realized I spent the whole dinner talking about it. But it was nice.. to be in a new place, where nobody could bother us, except for the annoying children which we swore we would never bring to a restaurant on a Saturday night if the day comes that we have our own.... but I felt really relaxed and all I needed was him to sit and listen.. I just needed to feel like somebody was there.

I'm going out of my mind but don't want to vent here either.. Eric helped me enough and I don't want pity from anybody. I just want people to understand that my schedule is crazy, I'm about to lose 2 grandmothers in 2 weeks and I just want some time to myself for a while.

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