Morgan (freedomsring) wrote,
Morgan
freedomsring

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RIP Grandma..



My grandmother that was battling larynx cancer for a year and a half died on Tuesday. The funeral was yesterday.

There's really not much to say. I just lost two grandmothers in 3 weeks. I don't know how to deal with it though, because the road that was taken to reach my 2nd grandmother's death was so tumultuous and emotional. I don't know whether or not to feel happy that she's gone because she no longer has the trake tube or the suffering of trying to gulp horribly when she needed to swallow her own saliva. Or to feel sad/pissed off because all of this could have been prevented if that fucking loser doctor had read the report and told us that everything was NOT perfect like that egotistical cocky motherfucking bastard told us.

Dr. Eisenberg, I hope you rot in hell, miserable and alone, like the sorry asshole you are. I hope your wife leaves you for a younger man and I hope your kids hate you. I hope you lose your job for fraud and I hope your friends desert you. I hope you come to understand just 1/10th of my grandmother's suffering so that you can realize how much of a nothing you are and then you kill yourself with a shotgun.

Anyways.. my grandmother gave me and only me advice on her deathbed. She told me not to trust anybody as I held her hand and stroked her hair. I'm not sure if she means in relationships as not to trust guys, or in life as to seriously not trust a soul.

She looked so beautiful in the casket yesterday. I couldn't leave it for more than 3 minutes at a time, I stayed with her the entire time and stood next to my mother. I didn't leave her side once either. My grandmother had lost about 40/50 pounds throughout this whole ordeal and we couldn't tell because she always wore her "mu-mu's". But the dress she was in yesterday, she looked absolutely amazing. The flowers around the casket and her rosary beads were all planned to match her dress, so it looked almost regal.

I kept touching/holding the same hand that I held in the hospital.

She had a slight smile on her face and her eyes looked closed rather than sewn shut. Her makeup was perfect.. she looked like a woman who deserved to live. It wasn't her time.

The colors on the dress made my grandmother look like she was breathing, like an optical illusion. Mix that with how beautiful she looked and she really looked like she was alive.

Ahhh... okay, getting emotional. Gonna continue this later.
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